Saturday, August 11, 2007

A few Ideas to Make the World A Better Place

Before even considering running for office every would-be politician should be forced to do a 200 word review of at least 10 books they have read in their lifetime. This should be done from memory and under strict supervision of at least 5 stern old librarians, with their hair up in buns and sporting bi-focal spectacles, reading over their shoulders. A time limit should also be set for the completion of this task as politicians are known procrastinators.
Severe penalties for failure of this selection should be implemented as to deter the dregs of society that normally consider politics as a career to try and pull a fast one. Public execution by means of disembowelment with a blunt wooden spoon comes to mind.

This suggestion will make for a better society as it will cut out a lot of crap politicians normally get away with. Some of the things it will ensure are the following:

There will be proof that the individual can actually read and write.
A thorough examination of the memory of the said individual will be conducted as to eliminate the “ailment” politicians seem to suffer from at any given time during their term of public office i.e. amnesia. This is of quite some importance when it comes to fulfilling promises made during election campaigns.
They will be able to write their own speeches and thus save on tax-payer’s money as to cut out a few of the lackeys normally part of the entourage of a person in office.
Individuals like Mangosuthu ("Gatsha") Ashpenaz Nathan Buthelezi will get so carried away with this task that they will be kept out of the public eye for years to come.
A lot of individuals will be eliminated by this process as any reference, hint or quote to and from Asterix, Tin-Tin and Superman should lead to immediate disqualification. The same applies for works of Robert Suresh Roberts and Dan Roodt.
Proper appointments to cabinet positions can be made based on the contents of the individual’s library:
The Minister for Safety and Security should have at least 3 book covering law and order and not base his expertise on watching soap operas on TV.
The Minister for Health’s library should sport at least the Reader’s Digest version of “Home Doctor.” Herbal remedies and traditional healers do not count!
In turn the minister for Finance should know the currency used by 5 different countries by heart. Double-entry Italian book-keeping might be too much to ask for. (The oldest known form of financial accountability)

God, what a novel idea! I would vote for any political party that implements this selection process in a flash. How wonderful it would be to be governed by people that passed this simple test instead of the current ignorant oafs.

I Don’t Blog on Saturdays

Saturdays are my day of rest and I will not be blogging. This post is just to let readers know.

I will now go out and milk the cows, collect the eggs, muck out the pig-pen, put out fresh hay for the horses, salt-licks for the cows, mow the lawn, clean the pool, sweep the tennis-court, replace the broken roof tiles and re-tile the toilet.

In the afternoon I will smoke a kilogram of hashish, wash this down with a litre of moonshine, step out to rape a few nuns, beat up the local police force and then come home to spend the rest of my quiet Saturday at home.

Friday, August 10, 2007

At Least I'm Trying To Draw Attention To South Africa. Part 3

Posted on BNN and titled "The History of South Africa Part 2".

1994 to date: Part 2

I concluded my previous post with the line:

“Mandela took to office and governed South Africa for one term. Thabo Mbeki is his successor and is now in his second term of office. However, no one has governed South Africa since Mandela.”

Let’s concentrate on Mbeki’s achievements:

He thought out the term African Renaissance all by himself. It has however not left the drawing board and not a single soul knows what it means but hey, it sounds good.
Contrary to all medical research and evidence he decided that HIV do not lead to AIDS and thus made it government policy not to supply anti-retroviral drugs to AIDS sufferers.
Mbeki managed to elevate Robert Mugabe, an insane tin-pot, dictator of neighbouring Zimbabwe, to the status of The Chosen Ruler because he did not smack him firmly and repeatedly about the head the first time they met (something that would have been a completely natural and understandable impulse of any other leader of a country)
Mbeki has forced the Boers into a more defensive position than before and totally underestimates their capabilities of lashing out.
As icing on the cake he is now considering breaching the constitution and running for a third term in office. However, this might not be a bad idea. His obvious successor, the deputy president, Jacob Zuma, stated during a rape trial against him that he thought it was OK to have sex with a HIV positive woman because he had a shower afterwards. Showering away HIV? This was part of the evidence that came to the fore during the trial. It must be noted that like Michael Jackson and Orenthal James Simpson, Zuma was found not guilty and remember that there is a distinct difference between not guilty and innocent.

Politically Correct speech in the New South Africa

With democracy, bless her soul, came a lot of new expressions and definitions. I will list a few of them and also explain some:

Rainbow Nation — Self explanatory.
Affirmative Action — placing people of colour in positions previously reserved for whites and mostly refer to the civil service. In a nutshell it means that they now are employed and can claim a salary. The term “work” is not covered by this expression.
Affirmative Shopping — method of payment “the business end” of an AK-47 and refers to armed robbery.
Fledgling Democracy — Politicians still hind behind this term when things go wrong. In my opinion a 13 year old democracy, like a human being of the same age, is fully accountable for its actions.
Trade not aid – a worldwide very politically correct slogan. There sure as hell is a lot of trade going on and a good way of killing two birds with one stone since aid is still forthcoming. Just a pity that those benefiting from this aid are the politicians, not the people. Never before has the world seen so many deals being cut with countries that were former supporters of the liberation movements.

In General

In South Africa one finds a large number of normal, very likeable people. A quick look at their authors and the quality of the work they produce is proof of this. They are however all so brow-beaten and bewildered by idiotic politicians that they can not shake off the mood of total disbelief. They are all rooted to the spot by total incomprehension and the prevailing thought in their minds remain: “What the hell will they come up with next?”
All of these people secretly wish to be offered the opportunity to get out of South Africa as fast as possible and have to put up a brave front until then as no one knows what new idiotic government policy or opinion will descend upon them next.

Roughly 60% of all Zimbabweans now live in South Africa as illegal aliens. This is a good thing for the Mbeki government since no one can do a census as to ascertain the number of mortalities attributed to AIDS. In the event of the government having access to these statistics it will remain a closely guarded secret.

The influx of illegal aliens has led to violent and out of control crime. South Africa sports more murders a year than the total number of casualties suffered and inflicted by the USA during their invasion and occupation of Iraq. The Boers believe there is a political motive behind these crimes as they, as the haves, are in most cases the victims. Let’s not forget the new, promising targets for criminal syndicates; tourists and international businessmen. In the light of South Africa hosting the football World Cup in 2010 this gives cause for some concern. A functioning and effective police force will not be a bad idea but will remain just that, a good idea.

Health care does not exist. The minister for health widely preaches that garlic and beetroot are the cure for AIDS. In turn they have traditional healers who propagates that the cure for AIDS is to have sex with an underage child. Children gets raped and murdered on a regular basis because of this.

They have writers whose navigational skills surpass that of the most advanced Global Positioning Satellite system. Granted these skills are practised in the lower intestinal tract of humans and all have a starting point in common i.e. the sphincter of a prominent politician but still mind boggling amazing. (Apologies to Robert Kirby whose line I shamelessly adapted)

The ruling party, the ANC, can not differentiate between the political party and the State and any criticism of the ANC is deemed worst than blasphemy in the Roman Catholic Church. They are also incapable of differentiating between State Security and political opposition. All the resources of their Intelligence Agencies are thus wasted on monitoring political opposition.

In short; it’s an extremely violent, disease-ridden, deeply divided country and it can explode at ay given moment. Should the rest of the world take note of South Africa? Damn right you should! The population is being slaughtered by political incompetence and like Rwanda there is ample warning.

This background sets the stage for my future posts. I will do a weekly “political analyses” based on real-time reporting lifted from their media.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

How to Recognise a Swede Part 2

They find it morally reprehensible to not at least TRY and eat from all the food groups.

They talk about politics at house parties.

They actually care whether their mobile phone meets the fashion standard.

People ask them if they have polar bears on the streets and they try to spread the myth further by stating it's true.

They think they are better at English than they really are.

They love to use English quotes and slang.

They're really not offended anymore by getting confused with Switzerland and the fact that nobody can find Sweden on a map.

Using fuck, shit and other bad words isn't really that bad for you.

They can name at least 7 different kinds of jam and produce 4 of them in their own kitchen.

They go downtown on a Sunday and don't expect to meet a single soul during a 30 minute walk.

At Least I'm Trying To Draw Attention To South Africa. Part 2

Posted on BNN and titled: "The History of South Africa" herewith my second contribution.

In my previous post I covered the period 1652 to 1994. The lack of questions and/or comments confirms that all readers now have a firm grasp of the history of South Africa during that period. Today we will move on to more recent events.

I split this period of history into two parts as, try as I may, there is no way I can fit the recent historical chaos into one post. (“I will try to be as even-handed as possible so that everyone has an equal opportunity to be offended.” Sarah Britten)

1994 to date: Part 1
On April 27th 1994 an autumn breeze blew democracy into South Africa. It happened with a lot of dignity and quite a few doom prophets considered suicide as the Armageddon they had predicted did not materialise. They have since resorted to do their predictions by chain-sms’ and have grown even more vague as to when doomsday will descend upon us.
All of a sudden black people were treated like…well…people. What a novel idea! For plenty a Boer this took quite a while to get used to. Come to think of it, it can’t be totally guaranteed that this novelty has actually dawned upon some of them.
Mandela came to power which was both a good and a bad thing. For the first time the world could see and fully appreciate an honest and transparent politician but it also lulled everyone into a false sense of expectation that all ANC leaders will be like him. Big mistake that one!
The Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) was formed and they were so effective in their quest for the truth that one policeman, Eugene de Kock, now languishes in jail for all the crimes committed during the years of apartheid. He must be the only guilty one as no other person in South Africa has been prosecuted for gross violation of human rights to date. I’m hesitant to question such an important body as the TRC but I take the liberty to question some of their findings, or should I phrase it “non-findings?”
Sure enough, de Kock was a very naughty boy and his nickname “Prime Evil”, as given to him by his colleagues, had its reasons. Still, hard as I try to get my head around this one, could one single man really be responsible for all the chaos, mayhem and violations committed since 1652? That would really be an impressive feat. Counting fingers and toes to cover time, cross-border raids into the frontline states, the wars in Angola, Moçambique and Namibia, establishing and cementing apartheid as a government policy, well…need I go on?
Eugene de Kock is the only one incarcerated, in solitary confinement mind you. Could he really have been so omnipotent, so unaffected by orders from his commanding officers and government policy, that he could have pulled off a stunt like this all alone?
Or could de Kock be the symbolic scapegoat since someone obviously must answer for the crimes committed in the name of apartheid?
Why have all those who didn’t even bother to apply for amnesty not been approached and slapped on the wrist? Will that ever happen? Nah, I don’t think so.
Known perpetrators, including de Kock’s former colleagues and handlers, are today in most cases, wealthy businessmen, prominent physicians and leading members of the community. Ouch, democracy can really come with a price.
I urinate with tremendous force on that type of democracy.
A spin-off of what I’ve described above is that it has opened the doors for continued use of blinkers, amongst politicians and media alike.
That happens every day and no-one even gets upset over it any longer.

Mandela took to office and governed South Africa for one term. Thabo Mbeki is his successor and is now in his second term of office. However, no one has governed South Africa since Mandela.

Part two of this period of history will see the light soon.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

At Least I'm Trying To Draw Attention To South Africa

Posted on Bloggers News Network and titled, "Things You Always Wanted To Know About South Africa But Were Too Afraid To Ask", herewith my effort to get South Africa noticed.

I felt it incumbent on me to make the rest of the world sit up and take note of South Africa. Every South African grumble about the fact that if a politician does not “get laid or paid” (bribed) then it’s just not newsworthy enough. Democracy, bless it, brought with it quite a bit of confusion when finally introduced in South Africa. And newspapers are totally confused with the term “freedom of speech.” For some unbeknownst reason, some newspapers see this as an opportunity to publish their online editions hours late. This largely contributes to the indifference of the rest of the world. Hell, sometimes they don’t even publish the Saturday edition at all. When questioned about this practise they then act like spoilt brats who did not hand in their homework assignment on time.

Hey! You lot. Freedom of speech does not give you the right to shut up. You are part of the media for God’s sake and thus “ambassadors” of South Africa. Get that into your skulls before you complain and throw your toys out of the cot. Asking an author for a copy of his book for review purposes and then not doing the review also amounts to theft but I will cover that in a later post.

I intend to post current news events and happenings in South Africa on a regular basis.

Before I can start with news emanating from the southern tip of the continent I need to guide the readers through the events that’s led up to the current set of circumstances. To be able to do this I will cover two distinct timeframes; 1652 to 1994 and 1994 to date. History will be compressed as to accommodate it on one page and in some instances time will even stand still as some individuals like Jacob Zuma (the current Deputy President) does not seem to have evolved at all.

1652 to 1994

In 1652 Jan van Riebeeck landed in the Cape. The very first Hottentot that witnessed this historic event immediately started cultivating a wild plant called cannabis for prosperity. Thus the drug wars that rage to date on the Cape Flats started. It also explains why most of the drug cartels are run by the coloured people.
The Dutch settlers could not keep their hands off the females of the Hottentot and Malay slaves so merrily transferred to South Africa. This led to two distinct historic events:
Cape Town still remains the prostitute capitol of the world.
A whole new ethnic group was formed; the coloured people. Alas, they now see themselves as not being black enough for promotion in the new South Africa. In days if old they were not white enough so it’s a no win situation.

The Dutch were deeply ashamed of their “nocturnal” activities and hid this behind a façade of Christianity which in turn led to the formation of a tribe of Bible punching zealots called Boers that somehow managed to find the motivation for all their actions in the Scriptures. Hell, they could even claim that they were the lost tribe of Israel and that inter-racial sex was frowned upon by God Himself.
This group of people decided to establish themselves as an entity, built on the corpses of other ethnic groups.
They were in turn pissed off by the blacks, the British, the blacks, the Jews, the blacks, the Communists, the blacks and the rest of the civilised world. As it turned out they, in the end had, to focus all of their hate on the blacks alone.
It should also be known that even though South Africa fought for the Allies during WW2, half of their (white) numbers sided with Hitler, something that nearly led to civil war.
The Boers ruled with an iron fist until 1994 and for some inexplicable reason some of their kind are actually still very proud of this heritage. They had a President who proclaimed that the world was flat so maybe one shouldn’t be too surprised.
They have beer boeps (a.k.a. shelters for seldom used tools) and short fuses. They are fond of rugby, weapons, the missionary position, the death penalty and secret societies (in no order of priority). The males, as a rule, experience only but one human emotion; that of extreme anger, sometime measuring in the excess of 6 on the Richter scale.
They have one common factor to complain about at last. They are now the minority. They have always been but the penny only dropped now.
No sane South African will ever invest in cosmetic dental care. Why bother? You have a 95% chance of loosing all of your carefully looked after teeth in one silly bar-room argument.
In 1990 their military leaders started planning for a coup because politicians (if somewhat reluctantly) decided it was time to start treating black people as human beings. Fortunately, these troglodytes were exposed by people like me and South Africa enjoyed its first democratic elections in 1994.

That is all anyone needs to know about South Africa from 1652 to 1994. The period 1994 to date will be covered later.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Review: The Art of the South African Insult by Sarah Britten

Every country in the world needs a Sarah Britten who can wade through the façade of society and unmask us for what we really are...mere mortals, prone to making complete idiots out of ourselves on a regular basis. It takes a keen observer and understanding of human nature to be able to do that.

Described by a columnist, Barry Ronge, as Hitler with tits, she takes no prisoners and covers all facets of South African society with her insults. (Not an easy task if one takes into consideration that South Africa sports 11 official languages and is sometimes more confused about its national identity than a chameleon during a paint session in a pre-school art class)

She hits the national character hard between the eyes, picks it up by the feet and shakes the broken bones out of its nose for all to see and digest. This line from her first chapter probably sums up South African society best:

"South Africans, as a rule, do not frequent museums and public art galleries except to steal large public sculptures. Sunday Times"

The beauty of it all is that her book is based on actual events and opinions, as portrayed by South African media. Whether or not the truth can be seen as an “insult” is of course in the eye of the beholder. Do not close your eyes to this one.

A few hints to prospective readers:

Do not read this book in public. You will be institutionalised for laughing out loud at regular intervals and shoving the book under a total stranger's nose as to share a hilarious line.
Keep a damp cloth, change of clothes and sufficient toilet paper or tissue handy because reading it might trigger involuntary voiding of the bladder or worse.
If friends tries to borrow it, tell them you’ll rather break their arms because you will never get it back.

It is a novel idea for a book (she should consider patenting it) and one of the more rewarding reads I've experienced in my lifetime. It is truly hilarious.

I will treat my copy of The Art of the South African Insult as reference material for party jokes for a long time to come.

In South Africa the book is available here.

Alarm Clocks of a Human Kind (Then) continued

Excerpt no 2: Africa Will Always Break Your Heart

...That this lifestyle was of course totally contrary to Christianity, a façade, oh so very important to keep up did not matter to the folks. A hedonistic lifestyle was what they wanted and what they lived.
Sundays were, on the contrary, a totally different matter. Every single one of us had to go to church. Dad said so. It was probably the most boring hours of my entire life. I practiced my own form of shorthand trying to keep track of what the preacher said. The poor man realised too late in life that he had no calling as a man of the cloth in the ordinary society. To save his family from starvation he promptly became a military chaplain. His sermons were truly mind-numbing exercises.
The Dutch Reformed Church was the prevailing religion. The pulpit was used as much for advocating the fight against communism as it was used to preach the word of God. Songs praising the Good Lord were dreary and stretched out affairs. Hymns and psalms were mumbled out, accompanied by an organist who always seemed to be a few bars ahead of the pathetic congregation. Only the few really tone-deaf as well as the musically talented dared to raise their voices above a whisper. Unfortunately, the former outnumbered the latter by far. If God was ever present during any of these dreary meetings I would be very surprised. Even though it was ghastly we were Christians and practised our religion with fervour — twice every Sunday. I was even a Sunday school teacher while completing High School.
Double standards became the norm rather than the exception. One can get used to almost anything.
“Do as I tell you and not as I do!” was one of my father’s favourite sayings. He had quite a selection of these little snippets of wisdom that he shared with us ad infinitum. Another one that always used to pop up after a few drinks was:
“I’m not a racist, I do not hate kaffers more than what is absolutely necessary.”

Monday, August 6, 2007

Alarm Clocks of a Human Kind (Then)

Excerpt no 1: Africa Will Always Break Your Heart.

We never had any use for an alarm clock. Every morning we were woken up by my mom’s farts as she made her way to the kitchen to make coffee for the whole family. The poor woman suffered terribly from a spastic colon and with every step she would fart twice. One could measure the distance to the kitchen by counting the farts and dividing them by two. I felt good about this. It was home after all. One never dared to share the concept of our alarm clock with friends and other parts of the family as one had to keep up appearances. Mom was also very good about this and the alarm clock never went off when we had friends sleeping over...

Mom and I had a secret. I was her favourite child and was not allowed to share this with anyone else. We made a vow. I now realise that all my siblings had the same secret with her, but it made me feel very special at the time.
Mother was not an old hag without manners and grace. She was a beautiful woman who had an endless stream of admirers. Both my parents were exceptionally attractive people and both had their share of extra-marital affairs and flings, right under our noses, blissfully unaware of that we knew. Or maybe they just did not care. It did not sit well with us. I still catch myself blaming my father for allowing this to go on. It took me years to understand that he must have loved my mother immensely and therefore forgave her over and over again. But inside it must have torn him apart...

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Nostalgia (and the cure for it)

I've experienced one of those pain in the chest longing days for South Africa. It was one of those that put you in a, bite your own neck arteries off, suicidal mood.

That was the mood that prevailed until I read a few newspapers online.

It sure cured my nostalgia in a flash.

What a f 'kin violent society!

Simon Barret, when interviewing me, asked whether I would return to South Africa. My response will now have to be:

"I would rather share a tent for a month, in the middle of the coldest winter, in Outer-Mongolia with a horde of Yak-shagging, anal sex-fiends descendant from Ghenghis Khan, whose idea of torture is a white-hot soldering iron shoved firmly up your rectum, than return to that hell-hole."

First world country, my arse!

And they dare to wonder why the rest of the world treats them like a brother who's in prison i.e. they still love him but do not acknowledge his existence in civilised company.