Saturday, November 3, 2007

An Attempt at Prayer

Hi God,

I’m new at this prayer business so bear with my efforts. I do not believe in any form of religion so I can not go and ask for advice at places of worship. I do however believe in a Creator (You). In my quest to do this right I did do a search on the web for examples of prayers. I found various sites sporting prayers and letters to you and your son. Most were preposterous pleadings for help and I can not bring myself to believe that, that is what you want to hear. I will thus state my case in my normal manner and hope it meets with your approval.

How are things with the universe and all of that quantum physics that makes it work? Rather you than me because maths was never my strongest subject at school and I find black-holes as well time-worms if not boring somewhat frightening. Supernovas and all of that exploding as well as imploding is more my style. Give me a good chunk of anti-matter any day and you’ll see what happens to my enemies.

Please accept my belated congratulations. Creation is truly an amazing achievement. I have to ask this; how did you come up with the idea? I mean it’s not like you went on holiday and saw it somewhere else and decided to copy it. Please share your thought process at the time as I truly enjoy and appreciate a creative and gifted mind. While I’m on the topic, have you got a video or colour photograph of the Big Bang? Even an artist impression of the real thing would do. I am desperate to get a poster size print for my study. Kindly let me have the link where one can place orders. (I have tried Google and the Vatican website with no success.)

You will notice that I write to you directly as I’m of the opinion that the buck gets passed too often on this planet. I therefore ignore your Son and his Mother. As I very seldom approach them I don’t think they’ll mind. I also do not blame them, like people I know, when things go wrong. I do not really have a working relationship with them. I hope they’ll understand.

I need to get a few things off my chest. I realise that I should pretend that you know about these activities because religion will have us believe that you are omnipotent and know what is happening everywhere all the time. However, lack of action on your behalf leads me to believe that your PR department has screwed up in informing you about certain events. I thus volunteer to act as one of your sources and will henceforth, on a regular basis, compile and send you an intelligence summary as to ensure that the incidents I care about have been brought to your attention. In the process I will point out aspects where action is long overdue. Kindly ignore my suggestions if you have other eternal plans that I can not comprehend. Mine will always be only suggestions.

As this is a new initiative I will address only one problem with this communiqué. Future efforts might cover more than one.

I would now like to turn your attention to a breed of people called politicians. I have a serious problem with them and am sure you will have as well once you’ve taken all the facts into consideration. These people wage war in your name and generally just screw up everything they get into touch with. (You probably have it all on file and just need to read up about it.) Quite frankly, I can not understand why you do not make at least one combust spontaneously every week or so. They really do deserve it.

Consider simultaneous detonation of their capillaries and have them bleed from eyes, ears and nose, one a week, on live international television. CNN should do the trick. Not only will this act as deterrent for all of those idiots using your name in vain but it will also be entertaining for us mortals who have to suffer under these people. I do not want to dictate what your priorities should be and also realise that a lot of people will disagree but in my humble opinion you can ignore George W Bush for the time being and start on the politicians of Southern Africa. Robert Mugabe to be more specific, closely followed by the ANC ones who are killing their electorate with incompetence. Thereafter you can turn your attention to the bigger picture.

Once the politicians have been dealt with you can start on other pressing issues. I will endeavour to list a few in future communications. The interaction between “men of the cloth” and choirboys come to mind. I will however deal with that later.

On a lighter note; about nine months ago I’ve also managed to walk on water.
Only here we call it ice.
I realise my attempts at humour will always be a bit crass and of the barrack-room variety.

Your humble servant.

Gerrie (The guy that moved to Sweden)

This Made Me Think

I got this per e-mail.

Imagine who would have such taste and live in such opulence?
An American Billionaire?
A Saudi Prince?
Louis XIV of France?
Savor the pictures then scroll to the bottom of the page to see who owns this Work of Art.

This Mansion is in Harare and belongs to:

The President of Zimbabwe

Robert Mugabe -

a maniac, mass-murderer whose people are starving while he siphons millions into his own pockets.

And the world, including closest neighbor South Africa stands by and watches.

C'mon Mbeki! Wake up!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Shooting the Bull

I have a PhD that served me well over the years. No, not a doctorate but a well developed “Pooh Detector” that acted like a guardian angel and kept me at arms length from objectionable material most of the time. However, I just read an excerpt from “Fit to Govern.”

I never knew so many sophisticated and ambiguous expressions existed.

I’m going get me a copy and read a page every night to help me fall asleep.

As I still struggle with difficult terms in English like “is” and “was” I decided to write my adaptation of “Fit to Govern.”

My effort is not mystifying. All it entails is a comparison between political proficiency (capacity to govern) and marksmanship.

I thus put forward my version of “Fit to Govern”, exemplified by how well the politicians in question can shoot. (My account makes for so much easier reading.)

This is how I see it:

Nelson Mandela — will always be number one sniper to be deployed in the most desperate of situations when one needs to get the job done. He can name his price.

Swedish Politicians — can be left alone as they will hit the target 50% of the time, adhere to safety regulations and spend the rest of the time in meetings discussing the merit of each and every shot fired. They are also very fond of special committees where some more discussing can be done and therefore worth their salaries.

Robert Mugabe — to be terminated with extreme prejudice as he could not hit any target and thus decided to blow up all the shooting ranges. He is still armed. Sulking and sitting in the middle of fuck-all, looking for a target. Name your price to cull this abhorrent viral strain.

Thabo Mbeki — can not be allowed close to any shooting range as he failed the entry exam for eight consecutive years. He is yet to hit a cow’s arse with a double-barrelled shotgun at five feet. And yet he earns almost R 2 million annually.

I thus disagree with Ronald.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Shock! Horror! Is Mbeki Lying?

Fortunately I’m not the type of person that would refer to the president of a country as “a fucking unrepentant liar that should be strung up by his feet.”

Thanks goodness for that else this Blog would have been full of expletives and derogatory statements.

However, someone is lying.

You decide who it is.

In the green corner we have Thabo Mbeki the president of South Africa and the ANC who is clearly busy with election campaigning and stating that GEAR (Growth, Employment and Redistribution Strategy) was making steady progress in meeting the basic needs of poor people. Things are thus improving according to Mbeki as reported in this article dated October 26th.

In the red corner we have Zwelinzima Viva the General Secretary of COSATU. (Congress of South African Trade Unions) who maintains that GEAR has led to the scandalous situation of a supposedly "booming" economy that left 40% of workers unemployed.
Viva also said that: “Unemployed and casual workers were better off under apartheid than now.”
Earlier this year he clashed with Mbeki by saying the country's economic growth was merely a government ploy to create hype and no different to Nazi propaganda. (Read the full article dated October 27th here.)

Mbeki have rubbished Vavi’s statements as shameless fabrication by the "left alternative" to discredit the ANC.

Clearly the honeymoon is now over between these previously staunch allies.

Mbeki based his opinions on the results of a Community Survey 2007 published by Statistics South Africa. (An important sounding name for an organisation that can not even give you the correct population figures for South Africa to the nearest 10 million.)

Viva on the other hand is a trade union representative and thus exposed to wage and employment facts and figures on a daily basis.

Who would you have listened to?